Dear Little Sugar,
You have lived a life of fear, not knowing when you might get hit or touched, called names or yelled at. You walked on eggshells hoping they might forget you exist.
You spent many nights wishing that your older brother would die, run away or never come home again.
You wondered if the lies he said were true. Were you fat? Did you need to diet? You began to hate yourself. You wondered why boys wouldn’t look at you the way they looked at other girls.
One day, you started wondering what the world would be like without you. But you could never figure out how to end it all. You wanted a peaceful, painless death but how could that be accomplished?
The pain, shame, being stuck in “the secret” was destroying you. You stopped feeling emotions and couldn’t remember how to feel. Suddenly, you felt disconnected from life.
One day, your hand ran under hot water and the sensation of feeling… of pain… connected you to life. You felt something for the first time in a long time. Joy and pain were connected and fear. You started down a dangerous path.
Hot water began to be your connection to “life”, to remind you that you could feel. If you could feel something physically then eventually, maybe emotionally.
You began releasing your anger on the soccer field. You didn’t care if you were overly aggressive on a play or fouled that player because you had an outlet, you were able to let yourself become free.
Little Sugar, you put 4 years of sexual abuse, probably 15 years of physical abuse and 18 years of emotional/ verbal abuse into a ball of anxiety.
I am 29 year old you and I want to say:
I am setting you free.
I am giving you permission to let it all go. I am giving you permission to heal. I am giving you permission to no longer be bound by the memories. I am giving you permission to no longer feel shame or anger. I am giving you permission to forgive yourself. I am giving you permission to let go of the anxiety. I am giving you permission to grow. I am giving you permission to be a child and to reclaim your childhood.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”